Weight Of The World
by Surgery-Girl
Summary: Summery: After putting the weight of her world on her friends’ shoulder so many times, Meredith Grey figures that this time it’s better just to run. MerAlex.
1. Only A Week Ago

_**Summery: After putting the weight of her world on her friends' shoulder so many times, Meredith Grey figures that this time it's better just to run leaving behind everything she worked so hard to create. Meredith/Alex**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy. **_

_**BTW, this story uses a lot of events that took place on the TV show, but I changed the timeline a bit. Hope you enjoy!**_

_**--**_

_December 2004…_

_**One week ago…**_

"_I…I… I don't think he's gone." Meredith said looking around the apartment. "He's stuff is still here." His medical books still sat by the bed. She could see his clothes still hanging in the closet. Everything seemed to be in order yet everything was different. It seemed like overnight it was stripped of all the feeling of happiness or love._

"_No, it isn't. His trumpet was here. His entire Eugene Foote collection...vinyls and cds...his grandmother's picture was by the bed. His lucky scrub cap was hanging on the door. He's gone." She looked around once more just to be sure. She hoped she wasn't right, and she hoped he had just moved all that stuff earlier that day without her noticing. But in her heart, she knew he was gone. "I'm...I'm free. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Oh, god. Get this off me. Take this off! Take this off! Please, just...I can't...help me, help me, help me!" She sobbed. Meredith came behind her and literally cut the dress off of her as she wrapped her arms around her person trying her best to comfort her. _

--

_Meredith stood at the nurses' station lost in her own thoughts. Christina's wedding had failed only three days before, so she and Meredith had spent the last two days in her room trying to soothe her friend. _

"_Meredith?" Izzie's voice came from behind her in a slightly weepy tone. Turning, she saw her friend on the verge of tears. _

"_Izzie? What's wrong?" _

"_Can I talk to you?"_

_She nodded placing the chart in the correct slot on the counter before following Izzie into an on-call room. Even before the door shut behind them, Izzie collapsed on the bed in tears. _

"_Izzie, what's wrong?" Izzie wasn't usually one to cry. In fact, she was the only on of the five residents that had always seemed to be happy. She was the one who brighten up everyone else's dark and twisty lives. _

"_I… I…" She sobbed trying to catch her breath as Meredith stroked her back. "I slept with George." She finally admitted. The strokes down her back paused for a brief second as Meredith stared at her in shock. "He's married, and I slept with him. And it was great. And I can't stop thinking about him. And… and he doesn't remember. And now I'm crying. I'm the dirty mistress."_

"_Calm down, Izz." Meredith tried to soothe when she found her voice. "You can get through this."_

"_I love him, Meredith." She finally admitted. _

"_He loves you too."_

_Izzie turned over on her back to look at her friend. "No I love him, Meredith." She stressed the word love this time._

"_Oh…" _

"_But he's married. What do I do?"_

_Meredith sat speechless. Sure, she too had been a situation similar to this. But Derek had remembered their relationship and she didn't know Addison let alone work with her at the time. _

--

_She left her friend asleep in her bed. It had been four days since the wedding, and Christina hadn't bounced back. For anyone else it would be normal. For Christina, it was anything but. Walking across the hall, she leaned against the door frame to Izzie's room to find her staring. There was something weird about that stare. Maybe it was because Meredith herself had stared that same stare many times before. Maybe it was because knowing that was 'Meredith's dark and twisty' stare, and Izzie was doing it, scared Meredith. _

"_Izz?" She called pulling Izzie from thought. Her friend glanced over at her, but didn't move from where she stood… staring. "You okay? Need anything?"_

"_I can't stay in here." She whispered bringing her hand up to touch her face. _

"_Christina is in my room. You might be able to steal Alex's, though."_

_Izzie absently nodded before pushing past her friend never answering the original question. Sighing, she rubbed her temple. Alex was her only salvation from the depressed, dark and twisted, angry lives of her friend. Christina was trying to cope in her own way… with alcohol. But she never drank alone. So Meredith always sat there listening to her miserable or sad ramblings sipping on a beer not allowing herself to get drunk. George was always mad, slamming doors, yelling… just generally mad. He really didn't have a way to cope with the anger accumulating between him, Callie, and Izzie. So, he was just mad. But sometimes he'd slip into an alcohol induced depression and babble on and on about Callie and Izzie before passing out only to wake up to anger and a bad hangover. Izzie was always baking. Every time she turned around another pan of cookies was coming out of the oven or cake was being frosted. She was depressed around work, walking around like a miserable puppy looking for love. Then there was Alex, he was Meredith's sweet salvation. With him, there was no drama only the worry of the drama of their friends. She could talk out her stresses with him. Little did she know in brief two days… that would change too. _

--

_She watched from outside the room as Alex yelled orders while compressing the patient's chest. He looked devastated. The nurse touched his arm whispering that it was too late. Alex stepped away wiping the sweat from his brow. Glancing down at his watch, he called time of death with a solemn voice before turning to walk out. _

"_Alex…" She whispered as he walked out with his head low. He put up his hand to stop her from talking. "It wasn't your fault." She ignored his hand gesture and walked along side of him. Grabbing his arm, he stopped to look at her. "It wasn't your fault."_

"_I should have caught it, Mer. It's my fault. I killed him."_

"_Dr. Grey?" Olivia called. "Your heart transplant patient is seizing."_

_Meredith glanced at Alex before hurrying away. She already knew what was wrong with her patient. _

_It didn't take long for her to emerge after calling time of death on her patient. Who would have survived the heart surgery… but the heart had been tainted just like Alex's patient's liver. _

_He stood where she had left him lost in his own thoughts. It felt like hours before she emerged. He looked at her with hopeful eyes. She could see his heart break as she slowly shook her head._

"_Alex…" She called out, but he was already gone. She wanted to go after him, but she had to talk to the patient's family. Making her way to the waiting room, she hoped Alex was okay. "Mr. Walker?" He looked into Meredith's devastated eyes with his hopeful ones. "I'm sorry. We did everything we could."_

_He fell back into the chair with wide, tearful eyes. "What? She was doing so well."_

"_The heart she got was infected with rabies. We don't usually screen for rabies, so there was no way to know." She explained sadly. _

"_She survived a heart transplant. She came back after technically being dead three times. She fought so hard, for so long to die of rabies?" He cried. _


	2. No Salvation, No Hero

There was something about the cold, silence that surrounded her that was so familiar to her. She just stood there as the rain fell and rolled off her skin. Her tears mixed well with the rain as if there wasn't a difference at all. The wind whipped her wet hair around. The water of the bay loudly crashed against the concrete walls. Everybody else was in their houses sitting by the warm fire while she sat numbly out in the cold rain. Her body was numb to all the emotional pain she had been feeling through out the day. The kind of pain that would normally make your whole body ache. The kind of pain that you were never sure would go away. The kind of pain that would normally make you want to run and run as fast as you could without looking back. Yet, she felt so numb to it. Maybe she should run. After all, that's what she was good at. Running. She ran from all her problems. Why stop now? This was just another thing to add to her list that made her life unbearably painful. Constantly being left in the dust. Constantly being put through heartache with no apparent reason for it. Constantly being emotionally beaten as if someone was standing over her yelling 'kick her while she's down' before driving their large foot into her side.

Now everything was catching up with her after so long of running from it. It weighed down on her shoulders and drowned her under it. It felt like someone was punishing her for not facing past problems. She couldn't breathe and nobody was left to save her. Her friends couldn't save her. Nobody was there to help her. Nobody. He would help her, but as his own life crumbles, she didn't have the heart to tell him. She went about everything as if nothing was wrong. Just when she needed someone the most, everybody else needed the same thing. They all looked to her to be that person. After all the times they had helped her through what was going on in her life, she couldn't turn her back on them. Keeping the truth to herself, she continued through the past week as if she didn't have a secret bearing down on her.

Who knew that Meredith Grey, a brilliant surgeon and daughter of a brilliant surgeon, would spend her life running away from pain? When she was younger and people told her that she was blessed to have such brilliant, strong mother, did they ever think she'd end up feeling so weak?

Hugging her knees close she looked down at the water that freely splash around. She once fell into that same water. And as she bobbed up and down in hopes to catch her breath, she thought nobody would ever find her and that was where she would die. Now, she sat on the ground in front of Elliot Bay in rain-soaked clothes. Nobody was going to come looking for her. When she needed saving the most, nobody would come because this time, she refused to let them.

--

She didn't get home until ten o'clock the night before. After a man passed by with his dog, asked if she were okay, and told her a big storm was coming through, she pulled herself off the ground. She drove around for an hour or so with no where she really needed to be going before returning to the house. Everybody was asleep when she walked in, changed into an oversized t-shirt that was laying around downstairs, and fell asleep on the couch not wanting to go upstairs and wake anyone.

Loud noises awoke her the next morning. Opening her eyes, she rolled onto her side and pulled herself up and off the couch. Standing in the doorway to the kitchen, she looked around. Pans and mixing bowls cluttered the counters. Batter covered spoons and beaters sat in the sink and mountainous amounts of muffins, cookies, and cakes piled on the table leaving no space uncovered. Beer and tequila bottles sat all across the living room after they spent nights drinking away sorrows.

"Where the hell am I supposed to eat, Izzie?" Alex yelled.

"Not my problem." Izzie mumbled back as she smeared chocolate frosting over the cake.

"This is a kitchen! Not a damn bakery."

"I don't care." She shouted back.

"Why the hell are you so damn stubborn?"

"What the hell is your problem?"

"Both of you shut the hell up! I'm trying to sleep." Christina yelled coming into the kitchen pushing past Meredith without a word. Soon, they all started yelling at each other all at once.

"Guys…" They didn't stop. "Guys…" They still didn't hear her. "Hello?" She finally yelled over them. Everyone became quiet and looked over at her. "Stop fighting."

"Sorry, Babe." Alex sighed walking over to her.

"Sorry, Babe." Izzie mimicked rolling her eyes. Alex glared at her.

"It's fine." She sighed. She knew they were all going through rough times, but waking up to three screaming adults was not how she enjoyed her mornings to start. Her head was killing her to the point it was hard to see straight. She ignored it the best she could as she turned on her heel and walked out.

She returned to the couch and allowed her eyes to shut. She wasn't planning on falling asleep just lay there for a few minutes. But soon, she drifted off to sleep.

The next time she opened her eyes, Izzie was rushing around trying to find her other shoe mumbling things under her breath. Hardly paying attention to her, she pulled herself off the couch and headed upstairs to shower. Alex came out of his room as she made her way to her own. He grabbed her arm stopping her where she stood. She looked at him with the best smile she could muster up. He pulled her into a tight hug. "I'm sorry about all this." He whispered into her ear.

"It's fine. You have to work through this." She said trying to sound confident.

"Just… I love you." He said.

"I love you too." She leaned back from the hug and planted a light kiss on his lips. Running her hand through his hair, she sighed. "Remember that, okay?" He nodded kissing her one more time. "I have to go get ready." He nodded again loosening his grip, so she could leave.

Tears misted over her eyes as she pushed the door open. Christina still slept in bed not having to go to work since she was supposed to be on her honeymoon. Quietly, she made it to the bathroom without waking her person.

After showering, she quickly changed and left the room before she had the chance to wake Christina. Izzie and Alex were already gone when she walked into the kitchen for her morning coffee. Stopping herself, she remembered she couldn't eat or drink. Sighing, she sat down at the table without anything to do for another hour.

--

"Are you going to be okay?" She asked for the umpteenth time standing in the doorway of her own room.

"Would you stop asking me that?" Christina shot back.

Letting out a sigh, she rubbed the bridge of her nose. "It's just … never mind. Call me if you need me. I won't be long."

Christina rolled her eyes at her person as she scooped some more ice cream into her mouth. Meredith stared at her friend for another second before turning and walking down the hall and down the stairs. Slowly, she gathered her things to prepare to leave.


	3. Cold And Unforgiving

The room was so cold, so unforgiving. When she was on the other end of these types of appointments, she never noticed the cold, unfriendly look of the room. That faint hospital smell hung in the air, but when she was working, she never noticed it. But sitting on the cold exam table, it was stronger than ever. The door opened and she tore her eyes from the model of the brain.

"Good morning, Dr. Hunter." Meredith greeted before breaking into a yawn.

"Good morning, Dr. Grey." She returned her greeting. "How are you feeling today?"

"Tired, but my roommates and boyfriend are to blame for that."

Dr. Hunter chuckled dragging a light before her eye. "So we're doing some tests today?"

"I believe so." Meredith nodded trying to ignore the sinking feeling she had in the pit of her stomach.

"Is there anyone I should call? I mean, this can be a little hard…" She voice drifted into silence as Meredith shook her head.

"I can't." She whispered rubbing her hand over her face. "My family has enough to deal with."

"Are you sure?" She asked cautiously.

"I'll be fine." She tried to give her the best confident smile, but it briefly faltered and her jaw quivered slightly.

"Alright, Meredith. Just promise me, if you feel trapped or like you're going under or whatever you want to call it, tell me or someone." She offered Meredith a light smile. She already knew what the results would say, but for the sake of her patient, she hoped otherwise. Meredith gave her a small nod. "Alright, ready?"

"As I'll ever be." Meredith nodded pulling herself to her feet.

--

There was a short knock at the door before it opened. Meredith straightened herself and looked at her doctor.

"So…?" Meredith asked ending the awkward silence.

"Meredith…" Dr. Hunter started quietly. That's all Meredith needed to hear.

"They're positive." She whispered as a couple tears trailed down her face.

"I can't officially say because our tech who has to read the pictures isn't here… but…" She allowed her voice to fade away.

"You think that…" She couldn't finish her own statement before collapsing into a ball of sobs. Dr. Hunter tried to comfort the crying woman, but nothing seemed to soothe her.

"It'll be okay, Meredith. The CT should be read and the results should be back here in six days tops." Meredith just nodded, but her tears didn't falter.

"And…" She cried. "If I do have a… a brain tumor then…? I'm a surgeon for Christ's sake."

"We'll cross that bridge when we have to."

"Can you just give me a minute?"

"Of course."

Brain tumor. Just those words seemed to shake her to the core. What would she do if the results came back positive? What if in six days she got the call saying that she had to give up so much? What would she do then? Tears numbly ran down her cheeks. She couldn't deal with all of this now. Her friends needed her. She was in the middle of her residency. She couldn't have a brain tumor. But it the pit of her stomach, she already knew.

When Dr. Hunter returned, Meredith was trying to get dressed. Dr. Hunter helped pull the sweatshirt onto her shoulder. "Are you alright?" Meredith nodded giving her an obviously forced smile. Dr. Hunter sighed but didn't protest her answer.

"Yeah, thanks." Meredith stood up.

"I'll call you and let you know when to come back in. Do you have someone to help you?"

"Yeah." She lied. Walking to the door, she stopped and looked back at the other doctor. "Thank you, Dr. Hunter."

"Your welcome."

--

"Hello?" She answered as she pulled into a parking space at a hotel.

"Mer? Where are you?" Alex's voice came.

"Hey." She breathed out. "I have to stay with my parents tonight."

She was glad that she thought of a story before hand. It was far from the truth. She was no where near Ellis's and Richard's house. She was at a hotel hoping to escape the thought of the possible truth. "You are? Why?"

"Ah, he just needs some help with some things before they go away."

"Oh… couldn't you have gone doing the day?"

She rolled her eyes annoyed at his questions though most of which were probably valid. After all, she hadn't talked to him or seen him since earlier that morning and if he had talked to Christina, who was also off, he would know that she hadn't been home since that morning either. So, his curiosity was probably justified. But, it still annoyed her.

"I was busy, Alex." She said a little too harshly before letting out a sigh and putting her head down the steering wheel. "Sorry, Lex. I've been stressed and I'm running a short wire, I guess." She hasn't meant to say that especially since he too was under stress and having a hard time coping with everything going on. But, he didn't seem to mind.

"Why don't you come home and I'll rub your feet or something?" He suggested lightly.

"I'd love too, but I really have to help Dad. I'll see you in the morning at work."

"Alright." He sighed defeated. "I love you."

"I love you too." With that she shut her phone and lightly banged her head on the steering wheel. Tomorrow, she'd have to find another excuse for not being able to come to work since she couldn't do any lifting. She didn't want to tell her stepfather or mother about this until she was sure there was something to worry about. She would let them go on there trip to Florida and let them have a good time before breaking the news to them if need be when they got back.

Slowly, she pushed the car door open, grabbed her duffle bag, and made her way across the parking lot to the entrance.

--

The next morning, she woke up unsure if she would find a reason not to come into work. She couldn't face the hospital. She couldn't pull herself from where she laid to face her friends knowing that the longer she kept the secret the more likely it was that it would blow up in her face. But she knew it was for the best that she didn't tell her friends. And tomorrow, she would have to face all of them with a forced smile pretending as if nothing was wrong. But today, she wanted to wallow in her own pain. She would return home later that night knowing she would have to deal with whatever happened during the day of work she was planning on skipping.

She wondered if Alex would as Richard or Ellis at work about her being at their house, which obviously wasn't true. Picking up her phone, she dialed Richard's number and waited for him to answer.

"Hello?" He answered not bothering to be formal knowing that it was Meredith.

"Hey, Dad." She answered trying to sound as sick as she could.

"Mer, are you okay?"

"I'm just a little sick. So I might be a little late coming into work."

"No, Mer, if you're sick then you stay home."

"I'm be fine, Dad." A smirk crossed her lips as her plane worked perfectly.

"Stay home, Mer." He said more firmly.

She let out a sigh as if she wasn't planning on this happening. "Fine, whatever."

"Okay…"

"Just, don't tell Alex please. He has enough on his mind. If he asks just say… that the schedule was switched up and I wasn't supposed to come to work or something."

"Alright, Mer."

"Love you, Dad."

"Love you too."

She hung up and rolled onto her stomach. It was going to be a long week.


	4. The Article

Her phone rang pulling her from the light sleep she was in

Her phone rang pulling her from the light sleep she was in.

"Hello?" She answered groggily.

"Hey." His voice sound avoid of any emotion but sadness. It was a bad day.

"Hey." She responded trying to sound a little more awake.

"I missed you last night."

"I missed you too."

"Good."

"Alex? Are you okay?" She asked a little more seriously as worry washed over her.

"It's just one of those days, I guess."

"Sorry, Lex. I wish there was more I could do."

"I know." He sighed sadly. "I just wanted to check up on you. You sounded tired last night."

"Yeah, I'm fine today." She tried to sound convincing hoping that she succeeded, but hearing herself say it she wasn't so sure.

"I glad." He swallowed hard and she could tell that there was something he wanted to tell her, but she didn't push.

"How's everyone else?" She asked softly.

"Same old, same old. George looks murderous. Izz looks depressed. And Christina looks dark and twisted."

"Okay." She said hoping that he wouldn't catch the hurt in her voice that after all her hard work nothing had gone back to be the same as it used to be.

"I better go before someone catches me talking instead of working."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"There are just some days being here doesn't seem worth it."

Her heart broke as his words hit her with probably more impact than he intended. Tears stung her eyes hearing his voice sound so pained, but she didn't let them fall. Not today. Not when Alex was hurting so bad. She wouldn't let him hear her cry. She didn't want to be another thing he or any of her friends had to bear on their shoulders.

"Call me if you need me."

"Alright. Will you be home tonight?"

She knew more than anything he needed her to be there. They probably all did, but in the end it might just be for the best that she stay away. If they found out the secret plaguing her, then it would be far worse than if they went a week without her. Sighing deeply, she searched for the right words to say before deciding the truth would suite the situation best. "I don't know, Lex. I'll try."

"Okay. Bye." She heard him hang up.

"I love you." She said into the dead phone even though he couldn't hear her. Shutting the phone, she allowed the tears to fall. Yes, it definitely would be a hard week… for all of them.

--

She spent her day trying to keep her mind from wondering back to the test results that would undoubtedly decide her future. Just a short two and a half weeks ago, she imagined that Christina and Burke would have gotten back from their honeymoon Hawaii as a happy couple. Instead Burke was god knows where, and Christina was dark and twisty. She imagined George married to Callie and trying for a kid. Instead Callie was living in a hotel, and George was always mad or moping. She imagined Izzie being her happy bubbly self doing whatever kept her happy. Instead Izzie was depressed and baking. She imagined herself happy with Alex. She would have always been smiling and laughing without a care in the world. Instead Alex was dealing with guilt and pain, and she tried to fix everybody else's life while her own hung in the balance. It wasn't that the last two weeks made her love Alex any less. When she looked to the future, she still saw Alex. She loved him. There was no doubt in her mind. But, fate seemed to have other plans.

He looked up when she came in and his face softened a little, but she could tell he was upset over something. Sighing, she set her bag on the ground and kicked off her shoes pushing everything that had been running through her head all day into the back of her head. She bent over Alex kissing him lightly on the lips. She was about to walk into the kitchen, but he pulled her down onto the couch beside of him. He wrapped his arm around her waist pulling her closer to him. Letting her eyes shut, it seemed the rest of the world faded. None of her problems, none of his problems, none of their friends' problems existed.

A loud clanging sound came from the kitchen followed by a loud groan. Meredith sighed opening her eyes savoring a moment in his arms. "I better go check of Izz."

He sighed reluctantly. "Yeah."

She wiggled free of his grasp as he let his arm fall limp on the couch beside him. She turned to him, cupped his face, and gave him a long kiss before getting up and walking into the kitchen.

"You okay, Izz?" Meredith asked sitting down on the counter across from her.

"I can't get this damn pot clean." She sobbed scrubbing the pan as hard as she could. Meredith knew she really wasn't upset over the pot.

"Alright, Izz. It's fine." She said softly grabbing her hands to stop her from scrubbing. Izzie looked up at her friend as tears made their way down her cheeks. Forcing a small smile, she wiped the tears from her friend's faces. "Go take a bath or something. I'll take care of this."

Izzie shook her head sniffling. "I can do it."

"It's fine, Izz." She gave her an encouraging nod. Slowly, Izzie nodded putting the things on the counter.

"Thank you, Mer." She whispered before walking out. Sighing, Meredith looked around the kitchen. It was cluttered with pot, cookie sheets, muffin pans, and mixing bowls. Plates of cookies, muffins, bread, cupcakes, and cakes sat on every other open surface. The sink overflowed with dishes, and batter was splattered on the counters and oven. It was going to be a long night. Making her way to the sink, she turned on the water and started with the first dish knowing that there were many more to come.

It was long before she heard the front door slam loudly. She cringed at the loud noise that only seemed amplified in her head. She heard Christina say a few words to Alex, and Alex retort.

"Meredith!" Christina yelled walking into the kitchen causing Meredith to cringe. She knew something wasn't right. She should be able to hear the door slam or her friend yell without her head throbbing. Turning to look at he friend, she turned off the water as Christina slapped a piece of paper down on the counter. Meredith leaned over to see a picture of Burke smiling up at them.

"Oh god." She sighed.

Christina wasn't freaking out. She just sat there. Meredith watched her cautiously mindlessly scrubbing a mixing bowl clean. She stared down at the picture reading the article. It was about him winning a very prestigious medical award.

"I did his surgeries." Christina finally said without breaking the daze she was in.

"What?"

"When his hand had that tremor, I did all of his surgeries."

"Okay." She said unsure.

"I get nothing. No recognition."

"Would you like to drink? Or would you like to eat all of Izzie's food?"

"I'm just going to bed." Christina mumbled before walking out of the kitchen. Meredith sighed, leaning back against the counter as she rubbed the bridge of her nose.

Since the wedding failed, all the residents' lives got turned upside down, and it only seemed to get worse. Izzie and George slept together. Izzie is in love with George. George is mad at her, and his marriage with Callie is on the rocks. He's trying to deal with Callie wanting a baby and her rich father's frequent, unannounced visits to Seattle. Alex couldn't cope with the fact that the organ donor he found gave at least two people contaminated organs, and both transplant patients died as a result.


	5. Take Away My Guilt, Please

Christina wasn't freaking out

_Four days later…_

Time didn't seem to remedy the five residents' situations. They only seemed to get worse. Izzie and George were yelling all the time. It was hard for them to stay civil to a professional level at work. The article only stirred up things with Christina, and Mama Burke start calling. Alex was still dwelling over the patients' deaths, and to make matters worse his liver transplant patient's case was brought into question and had been brought in front of the review board at a morbidity and mortality conference (M&M). He was questioning his abilities and whether he deserved to keep his job. Meredith tried to convince him otherwise, but nothing seemed to work. He, of course, was not to blame for the deaths, and everyone moved on in the hospital. But, he was still left with the idea that he was at fault. It was like those two patients haunted him, and he feared to make decisions in fear that it would happen all over again. It covered it when he was at work well. He was still Alex Kerev after all. He put on a fake cocky attitude with the pompous smirk and sarcastic remarks, but as soon as he got alone with Meredith all walls crumbled to the ground. And she watched a confident man fall once again.

It was late as it always seemed to be when she was finally able to make it up the stairs. Everybody else had retreated to their respective rooms. Christina was still staying in Meredith's room. Izzie was still staying in Alex's. And Alex was in Izzie's. She sighed as she made her way towards Izzie's room. Pushing the already ajar door open, she leaned against the doorframe. Her eyes filled with tears as she watched him sleep so restlessly. Slipping off her jeans, she walked over and slipped into the spot beside him without assuming her usual position in his arms. Instead she stared at him. Alex Kerev would have never allowed himself to be so vulnerable at the beginning of their internship. Yet there he lied with no confident.

She kissed him lightly on the lips careful not to wake him before allowing herself to move close to him. "I love you, Alex." She whispered.

She had always been attracted to Alex. There was really no denying that he was a good looking guy. She never really noticed what kind of person he was mostly because whenever she was around, he was too busy making sexual jokes or making fun of someone. Izzie was the bubbly one that you went to when you needed kind, supportive words. George was the kind one when you needed someone to hold your hand as your friend. Christina was the sarcastic bitchy one that you went to when you wanted to talk bad about someone until you felt better. Meredith was the dark and twisty one that you went to when you just needed to get drunk with and feel just a little bit better about your life since it can't be worse than hers. And Alex was the too honest, snide, self-righteous one; the one you went to when you wanted to be sexually harassed or annoyed… or so it seemed. After a long night of drinking her sorrows away at Joes, she ended up sitting on the floor with Alex wanting nothing more than someone to give her a fun ride just for that night. But he wouldn't. Instead, he sat there listening to her rant, comforted her, and talked about thing to keep her mind off the heart break. He stayed up until two o'clock in the morning just to be sure she was okay until she fell asleep. Then, he picked her up and carried her up the stairs. Just as he was about to set her down in the bed, she threw up all over him and herself. He took it all kindly. He assured her it was no big deal, helped her to the bathroom, and allowed her to take the first shower. When she was done showering, he helped her into bed, tucked her into bed, and left to shower himself. The next day, he didn't say anything more about it than "Feeling better?"

Everything was only got better after that. They hung out and just talked for hours even if there wasn't anything to really be talked about. Somewhere down the line, she fell in love with him. Completely head over heels in love with him.

Now, she lied next to the man that she loved without a doubt with such a huge secret. Pushing the thoughts out of her head, she kissed him once more before rolling in her side wishing sleep upon her.

--

She woke up in the middle of the night to find the spot beside her empty. As she stood up, dizziness overtook her. She had to use the nightstand as support before making her way to the bathroom. He sat on the side of the bathtub with his head in his hands. He was roughly rubbing his eyes, and she could tell that he was up set. She touched his shoulder, but he didn't look up at her. Falling to her knees, she looked up at her boyfriend lightly pulling his arms away. Eventually he gave in and looked at her. His eyes were red and full of pain.

"I didn't mean to wake you." He whispered.

"Don't worry about that." She stroked the side of his face. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Talk to me, Alex. Please, talk to me." She pleaded taking his considerably larger hands into her small hands. He shook his head. "You can talk to me, Lex."

"I just can't stop thinking about them." He confessed sounding desperate for salvation from his guilt.

"None of this was your fault. We all would have done the same thing."

"Then why do I feel so damn guilty?"

She kissed his hand. "Come back to bed, Babe."

"I love you, Mer."

"I love you too." She gave him a soft smile.


	6. Phone Call

She squinted trying to see the writing that usually is so easy to see

She squinted trying to see the writing that usually is so easy to see. But as the headache raged on, and her vision came in and out of fuzziness, she found herself struggling with the simplest of tasks. She hoped her vision would clear up and the headache would subside quickly soon. If not, she might have to postpone a surgery again or pass it off to someone else. Heart surgery was too delicate to do with fuzzy vision and a pounding headache. She seriously wished she had picked something like Ortho as her specialty anything instead of Cardio. Maybe Christina would want it, but she seemed to be in no better shape to operate. She was actually in the morgue. And from what Lexi said, she was singing. But Meredith was sure they weren't talking about the same Christina.

Giving up, she handed the chart to her nearby intern. "Go check on Mrs. Morrison. I expect a complete update in that chart." With that, she left in search of her person who was possibly singing.

When she got down the morgue, she did indeed find Christina standing over some dead guy singing not so quietly. Meredith stood in awe unsure how to approach the situation. For anyone else, it would be no big deal. But for Christina, she might as well be singing that she was going to cut off her boobs and become a man.

"What are you doing down here?" Meredith asked trying to sound as casual as possible.

"Nothing." Christina answered back.

"Ah… you're singing." She pointed out. Christina just shrugged. "You're Christina, you don't sing."

"And you're Meredith, you don't fall in love with Evil Spawn, you still did that."

"But, Christina…"

"Meredith, seriously, I'm fine. I mean Burke may have won the Harper Avery Award. And I'm here with my hands in a dead guy. I did all his surgeries so his reputation wouldn't be damaged, and here I am elbow deep and a dead man's chest. But, I'm fine. Perfectly fine."

"Hahn will give you a surgery."

"Nope, I'm perfectly peachy being here with my dead guy. You can have it."

She sighed. "Christina, you can't do this."

"I'm giving you the freaking surgery." She snapped back.

She nodded defeated as she back out of the room. Somehow she went down there to get rid of a surgery and left with two she needed to get out of. Deciding it was best to hit it head on, she made her way to find her stepfather.

--

"Dad?" She said from the doorway of his office door. Richard looked up holding a smile.

"Hey, Mer."

"I need a favor." She sighed deciding not to beat around the bush. She didn't want to admit anything. But as she sat down across from him, she felt random surges of pain move through her head. It back harder and harder for her to focus on him. She couldn't decide if it was because it hurt so badly or because of the possible tumor.

"Anything." His voice pulled her mind back onto focus on him.

"I need the rest of the day off." That hurt her ego worse than she thought it would. Surgeons were supposed to never fall to sickness.

"Why? Are you okay?" He instantly became concerned.

She took in a sharp breath trying to come up with a cover story. "I don't think I can do any surgery."

"Are you sick? What's wrong?"

"I'm not sure. I just feel sick." She shrugged trying to sound sick. "I think a migraine is coming on or something. I just don't want to mess up in surgery."

He cautiously nodded. "Call me later tonight, okay?"

She nodded. "Thank you, Dad."

--

She hadn't home for long when her phone started ringing.

"Hello?" She answered without moving from the couch.

"Is this Meredith Grey?" An unfamiliar voice came.

"Yes."

"This is Lisa Waller from Dr. Hunter's office."

She sat up a little straighter as her heart started to race. "Uh, yes..."

"Your CT results were read earlier this morning, and Dr. Hunter would like to have you come back in. When is good for you?"

"Whenever."

"Could you make it here in an hour and a half?"

"Yeah, that's fine."

"Alright. See you then, Dr. Grey."

She hung up. It felt like her heart was about to beat out of her chest.


	7. I Know What I Have To Do

Candy Harper, one of the peppy secretaries at Dr. Hunter's office, led Meredith down the hall. Giving the office door a quick knock, she opened the door to Dr. Hunter's office.

"Dr. Hunter? Dr. Grey is here."

"Let her in." Dr. Hunter instructed.

Candy sent Meredith a brief smile before she walked off down the halls her heels clicking the whole way. Stepping in, she watched as Dr. Hunter gave Meredith a smile as she shut a couple charts. With a shaky hand, Meredith shut the door and moved to sit in the seat Dr. Hunter was gesturing.

"Thank you for coming so soon, Dr. Grey." Dr. Hunter said. Meredith just nodded not trusting herself to talk. Her eyes searched hers hoping for an unsaid answer. And only found a look of concern. "Your CT was read." She sighed. "I'm so sorry, Meredith. We found a tumor in the occipital lobe. That's why you have problems with vision."

She swallowed hard trying to keep the tears at bay. The room was spinning.

"Meredith? Can I call someone? You really need some support. Your boyfriend?" She quickly shook her head as the thought of Alex passed through her head.

"No, he… he has a lot to deal with. Nobody can find out." She had intended it more for herself than Dr. Hunter. Dr. Hunter was a little surprise at the resolution since most of her patients wanted their family and friends close by for support, but Meredith seemed determined to do it for herself. "What do we do now?" Her voice sounded desperate and tired. Dr. Hunter couldn't help but feel bad for the young doctor.

"It's operable. There's a chance that vision could be distorted, but chances are slim. You'll be out of work for awhile especially since your profession is so delicate." Meredith numbly nodded. "You'll need someone to help take care of you. I know you say your boyfriend has a lot to deal with, but you need someone. You need to tell people, Meredith."

Tears once again rolled off her soft cheeks as they sat in silence. "I can't. Everybody is already dealing with enough problems. They don't need my problems too. I'll figure it out. My parents are in town. And…"

"This is a lot to handle…"

"I'll handle it out… without them." It was a lie. She had handled plenty of patients with the same diagnosis while she was on her neurosurgery rotation. She knew that she wouldn't be able to do it alone. She knew that she wouldn't be able to keep it quiet while living the same house with two or three sometimes four other doctors. "Is it malignant?"

"We won't know for sure until we do a biopsy." Dr. Hunter answered cautiously. "But the edges are define which usually isn't a characteristic of malignant tumors." She nodded in agreement.

"When…" She swallowed hard. "When can we do this?"

"As soon as we can."

Standing up, she nodded. "I'll call." With that she headed towards the door.

"Meredith…?"

"Yeah?"

"This is… a lot. Please consider telling someone. You need someone."

Meredith just nodded and walked out. She could feel the tears burning her eyes as she walked down the hall as confident as she could. She didn't know what the future would hold. For once in a while, she wasn't in control.

By the time she slipped behind the wheel of her car, sobs shook her body. Putting her head on the steering wheel, she just let herself go.

--

She stayed out until night fell over Seattle. Dr. Hunter's words still echoed in her head. Stepping into the quiet house, she pushed the door shut until the knob clicked. She set her bag on the ground, kicked off her shoes, and headed up the stairs. As she walked down the hall, she heard snores and the beds creaking under her friends' weight. Stopping in front of her own room, she saw Christina, her person, sleeping.

"_He's gone."_ She remembered seeing so much pain written all over her friend's face. She remembered seeing her person's tears roll down her cheeks. She remembered watching her person fall to the ground in a ball of sobs.

Sighing, she turned and walked down the hall planning to go to Alex's room when Izzie's ajar door caught her eye. Pushing it open a little more, she peeked in. Izzie laid alone in bed with black stains on her face from old eye liner. Her hair was a ruffled mass of knots falling halfway in her face. She was in love with George. Meredith could see it. The hurt look that came across her face when George and Callie walked by talking about their future baby. The tears that lined her eyes when George yelled. Meredith saw it all.

Then there was George, who always seemed to be angered. He went about his day avoiding Izzie which usually meant avoiding everyone in their group. He accused them of taking sides, but neither Alex or Christina cared. He ran to Meredith looking for consolation that she wasn't quiet sure how to give without betraying Izzie.

She pulled the door closed leaving it slightly cracked before walked down the hall. Alex's door was already open as it usually was since she had started coming to bed much later thanks to everyone's current situations. Stepping in, she shut the door quietly behind her. Alex laid in bed in a mass of tangled sheets which was a dead give away that he had been tossing and turning. His face would scrunch up every other moment before relaxing. Then he would turn in bed getting yet another pained, scrunched face. She could tell he was thinking of them. His dreams had become nightmares haunted with thoughts of them over the last couple of weeks.

She stood and watched him for what seemed like forever. And she knew what she had to do. It would be hard. But it was best for her friends. She was going to have to leave Seattle.


	8. Making Up Her Mind

She didn't sleep that night. How could she after the resolution she made? She lied beside Alex staring at the ceiling in search of another possible solution wishing for a way to have it all and fix it all at the same time. But how was she going to fix herself and her friends while still being able to lie in his arms at night and wake up in the comfort of the safety his warmth provided. How was she supposed to not project her problems on them when she had a brain tumor and was living in the same house as she did? It wasn't like she could hide it. She was going to need surgery. She couldn't spend weeks in recovery and have a scar on the back of her head without any questions being asked. Dr. Hunter said that she should tell someone. But, what did she know? She didn't know her situation. She didn't know her friend's situations. She couldn't put this on their shoulders. But was running away an option? It didn't seem like much of one. After all that had happened in the past and all that she achieved, could she throw it all away? She couldn't. She didn't want to. Alex meant too much to her. She couldn't just leave him. She loved him in a way she had never loved anyone. She loved him it actually hurt to see him so hurt over the death of their patients. He had been there for her for years. They had been friends in a twisted sort of way all through their year as an intern. He had been a jerk but sweet when it really counted. He made inappropriate jokes and made fun of her but was there for her when she needed him. Now, he needed her, and she wasn't sure how to be there for him. She wanted to spend all day trying to repair what guilt had broken. She wanted to be able to hold him and kiss him, but nothing was ever that easy. At the same time, Christina was walking the line the divided severe depression and insanity and sadness. Izzie was at a lost at what to do and baking enough to fill a bakery with comfort food. And George was on the verge of committing murder. How the hell was she supposed to fix them and deal with a brain tumor that was impairing her ability to be there for them, do her job, and live a semi-normal life? She had hoped to be able to do it, but her efforts seemed fruitless. Every time she made some headway, Izzie would say something to George, Callie would mention wanting a baby, a transplant patient would come into the hospital, or a picture of Burke would so up in a magazine. And they would even up right back where they started either diving into a bottle of tequila or elbow deep in chocolate chip cookie dough. It all seemed monotonous and ineffective.

She threw back the covers and slipped out of bed around four thirty the next morning. Grabbing her phone, she slipped into the hallway and dialed the chief of surgery's office. While her father was in Florida, Dr. Hahn, the new head of Cardio, was acting chief. Patricia answered on the fourth ring in a tired voice.

"Richard Webber's office." She answered fighting off a yawn.

"Hi, this is Meredith Grey."

"Good morning, Dr. Grey."

"Good morning. I need the day off."

"You need to take that up with the Chief… or acting chief."

Meredith sighed. "When will she be in?"

"Ten."

"I'll just take it up with Richard." She sighed again. "Thank you, Patricia."

She hung up and dialed her father's number. He answered on the second ring in the same tired voice Patricia answered in.

"Enjoying the sun?" She answered with the best voice she could muster up after a night of no sleep and constant fighting with herself.

"Mer? It's four thirty there. What are you doing up?"

"Well, you know… calling you." She winced when she heard him groan quietly. "Dad, I need the day off."

"You have to take that up with Hahn."

"But, Dad…"

"Don't 'but, Dad' me. Hahn is in charge and you've already had a sick day recently. What has gotten into you?"

"Dad, I…"

"Just, talk to Hahn, Meredith. I'm too tired to listen to stories. This is my vacation."

"Dad, I…"

"I'll call you later. Bye, Meredith." He hung up before she could say anything else. She listened to the dead line for a few more seconds and hung up herself.

This is going to suck. She's about to do something that could break her career. But in that moment, she didn't care. There was an unwritten code of law among surgeons. This compiled all the unwritten agreements among surgeons that you are to and aren't to do as a surgeon. You aren't to question another doctor's capability to perform in the walls of the hospital. You aren't to show up to work an hour late for surgery and expect it to be waiting for you. You aren't to walk out of the hospital during a shift. You aren't to disobey a surgeon with more than ten years of experience than you, but you aren't supposed to fallow a surgeon in an out-of-date procedure. And under no circumstances are you supposed to skip a shift without authorization. It means more work for other surgeons. And when you finally do show up, be prepared for hell because all scut work is not your responsibility. Meredith stood there prepared to break one of the most important rules on this unwritten code of laws.

Sighing, she turned and walked downstairs. After making a pot of coffee, she pulled the phone book out and looked for the number she needed. She found it and dialed it into her phone.

"Seattle International Airport. Flight booking department. This is Martha. How may I help you?" A voice came.

"Hi, Martha. My name is Meredith Grey. And I need a flight."

"We can do that. Where to and when?"

"To New York. And today, if possible."

"It's last minute, so I don't know how good of a price I can get you."

"It's fine."

"Alright, there is a flight leaving today at two o'clock."

"Sounds good."

"Round trip or one way?"

She drew in a deep breath and squeezed her eyes shut tight. "One way."

They quickly discussed price and Meredith gave her a credit card number then hung up. She didn't want to think about what she had just done. She had to keep working if she wanted to get finished making travel plans before anyone woke up. Glancing at her watch, she realized it was about ten minutes before five. Nobody would be awake for another forty minutes or so. After a quick consideration of time difference, she dialed another number into her phone. After three rings, he answered with a gruff "Hello."

"Hey, Mark. It's me." She said trying to hide the sadness in her voice but failed.

"Mer? What's wrong?" He suddenly sounded more awake.

"I can't talk about it right now. I just need a favor."

"Anything."

"I'm flying out there today. I'll be landing about six your time. Can you pick me up?"

"Mer, what's going on?"

"I can't talk about it right now." Her voice shook as she tried to fight off the tears.

"Alright, Sis, I'll be there when you land."

"One more thing, Mark."

"What?"

"Mom and Dad can't know."

It was in that moment, he knew something wasn't right. "Why? What's wrong? You're scaring me."

"Just promise me, Mark."

He took a deep breath and let it out as a slow sigh. "Alright, Mer. For now… I'll keep your secret."

"Thank you. I love you, Big Brother."

"I love you too." He hung up at the same time she did. Her head fell to the table. This was going to be hard. She wasn't ready to say goodbye to her friends or the man she loves. Even if it will be temporary.


	9. Leaving

"Planning on getting ready?" He asked when he came back into the bedroom after his shower. She smiled at him as he wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her cheek.

"I'm not going in until noon." She lied. "Are you leaving soon?"

He nodded. "Are you okay? You seem… tense?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." She turned to face and wrapped her arms around his neck giving a reassuring smile. He smiled back and kissed her lightly. "I love you."

"I love you, too." His lips captured hers again, and it became painfully obvious to her that he was having a good day. On one of the few good days he had, she was planning on picking up and leaving him and her friends. Part of her wanted to tell him. Part of her didn't. But, none of her wanted to go. But she knew she had to. "I guess I'll see you later."

He kissed her lips lightly once again before turning to walk out of the room. She grabbed his arm to stop him. Her arms wrapped around his neck, and she kissed her passionately. She ran her fingers through his hair as his hands slipped into the band of her pajama pants. She didn't want to pull away. She wanted to savor everything about that one kiss felt. She put all her love, all her lust, and all her passion into that one kiss. He pulled back trying to catch his breath.

"What was that for?" He asked with a small smirk.

"I just… really, really love you."

"I really, really love you too." He gave her a confused looked. "What's wrong?"

She gave him a smile hoping he didn't notice the tears that lined his eyes. "Nothing."

"Alright. I'll see you at work." She just nodded as he turned and walked out. It wasn't long that she heard her friends talking in the living room then the front door shut. She was all alone. Her legs turned to Jell-o and she collapsed to the ground.

--

She had to leave for the airport in forty-five minutes. But instead of putting her luggage in the car and grabbing any last minute things, they sat at the kitchen table hunched over a sheet of paper trying to put all her thoughts together in one letter for Alex. She had been staring a the paper for nearly a half an hour before she got the "Dear Alex" written. Taking a deep breath, she crumpled the paper up and looked at the clock. He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve to be abandoned. He didn't deserve a shitty apology letter.

Slowly and uncertainly, she pulled at her cell phone. Ignoring the ten messages and twenty missed calls from Hahn, her father, her mother Alex, Christina, Izzie, and George that her phone displayed, she dialed Alex's number. She prayed that he'd answer, but she knew he wouldn't.

"Hey, you've reach Alex Kerev. Leave a message."

"Hey, Babe…" She took a deep breath. "God…I'm not ready to do this. I love you so much, please remember that. As you probably know, I'm not coming into work today, and when you come home, I won't be here. There's something I have to take care of. Hopefully… I'll be back in a few months. Why and where doesn't matter right now. Just, know I love you more than anything."

Slowly, she shut the phone. By now, tears were freely falling from her cheeks. Even though, she knew she didn't have the time to stop, she couldn't move from where she sat. What had she just done? She had thrown it all away.

"It's for the best." She kept saying to herself, but it didn't make an ounce of the difference because at the end of the day, she'd be in New York away from it all. She wouldn't be there to help Alex, to help Izzie, to help Christina, or to help George. She wouldn't be able to lie in his arms and kiss him good night. She was throwing it all away.

Forcing herself out of the chair, she tried to rid her eyes of the tears. She walked into the living room, picked up her bags, and opened the door. She turned and gave the house one last look before walking out.


	10. Fate's A Bitch

"Thank you for your help, Dr. Kerev." Erica said.

"Any time, Dr. Hahn." He nodded and finished scrubbing out. He dried his hands and picked up his pager and cell phone. "Let me know how he does."

Erica nodded glancing at the young doctor. "Ever talk to Grey?"

"No." He sighed. "I don't know where she is. Lately things have been a little strained at the house. She probably just forgot." He shrugged.

"Forgotten or not. There will be consequences." Erica said shaking her head. "I know you all have been going through hard times, but it doesn't excuse not showing up for work."

"I'm sure she'll show up." He assured her turning on his phone.

"I hope so." She nodded and walked out.

He returned his eyes to his phone. "One voicemail" blinked on his phone. He hit play and brought it to his ear.

"One new message. Today, twelve sixteen." The recording said telling him the time the message was recorded.

"_Hey, Babe…"_ Meredith's voice came. Then there was a pause as she took a deep, shaky breath. _"God…I'm not ready to do this. I love you so much, please remember that. As you probably know, I'm not coming into work today, and when you come home, I won't be here. There's something I have to take care of. Hopefully… I'll be back in a few months. Why and where doesn't matter right now. Just, know I love you more than anything."_ Her voice was quivering, and he could tell she was trying to hold back tears if not crying.

He leaned back against the sink as she shock set in. His hands shook slightly as he stared at the phone. The recording was telling him to press a button to save, delete, or replay the message. Slowly, he hit the number five button and brought the phone back to his ear. The message replayed. Once again he hit the button. Each time, his motions and thoughts became more and more frantic as if, if he listened to it one more time it would change. But it didn't.

--

The air was chilly as to be expected in New York during the fall/winter months. Pulling her luggage behind her, her eyes swept the area looking for her brother. Finally her eyes settled on him. He was leaned up against his expensive car looking at his phone. Wiping remnants of the tears, that she had been crying over the last five or six hours, from her eyes, she walked over and stood before him. His eyes wondered up and fell to his phone again. Doing a quick double take, he stood up straighter snapping the phone shut.

"You look like crap." He stated bluntly as she hugged him.

"Thanks." She replied rolling her eyes. "I feel like crap."

He pulled back and studied her appearance. "So what makes my baby sister leave her life in Seattle to come to The Big Apple?"

"I want to get away from the rain." She stated. Somehow, he understood that she wasn't talking about the tiny droplets of water that fell from dark clouds. "But we'll talk about why later."

He smiled at her and opened the door for her. She gave him a weak smile back and got into the passenger seat. He ran to the other side and slid in behind the wheel. After starting the car and safely maneuvering the car out of the busy parking lot, he glanced over at her.

"How long are you staying, Mer?"

"I don't know. It depends." She said quietly shutting her eyes. Her head was throbbing with pain which was more than likely a side effect of having a brain tumor.

"Depends on what?"

"We'll talk about it later."

--

"Very much bachelor pad." She observed as she walked around Mark's very large apartment. She hadn't been to New York it since he moved into the new building a year back.

"Just how I like it." He said with a proud smirk. "No girl can tie me down."

She rolled her eyes. "One day, Sloan. One day."

"Mock me if you will, Baby Sis. But let us remember I'm older, so I'm the boss."

She rolled her eyes again. "Hasn't worked on me since I was twelve."

He disappeared into the guest bedroom to put her suitcase in there. When he returned she was staring longingly out the window.

"Mer?"

"Hmm?"

"What are you thinking about?" He asked as he walked up beside her.

"Nothing." She replied quietly as she turned away from the large window. "It's a great view."

"Talk to me, Mer." He followed her to the couch and sat down opposite of her.

"I don't really feel like talking."

"I can't help if you don't tell me."

"You cannot tell Mom and Dad. They'd be mad that I didn't tell them, and somehow someone at the hospital will find out. And Alex will know, and he will worry. And that would defeat the purpose of me leaving." She rambled.

"And your purpose was?"

She sighed. "They have enough to deal with." She mumbled.

"Who has enough to deal with?"

"They do. Alex, Izzie, Christina, and George are going through… a lot. And I've been really trying to be there for them. But Burke's picture keeps coming up. And Callie won't stop talking about a baby. And George won't forgive. And… And the damn patients are haunting Alex."

"Now, I'm confused."

She wiped the gathering tears from the corner of her eyes before they fell. "Christina's wedding failed. Burke walked away. Christina was crushed, and she hasn't come back from that yet. George and Izzie slept together, but George is married to Callie, who all the sudden wants a baby. And George feels guilty and can't bear to look at Izzie. He's always so mad and goes off at the smallest of things. Izzie in love with him, but he won't be with her because he's married!" She rambled as a few tears spilled onto her cheeks. "And she's baking and depressed all the time. Then there's Alex. He found a donor for my heart transplant and his liver transplant patient. After we did the surgery, they were doing well. His patient unexpectedly contracted rabies and died. Then my patient died. And he blames himself. He can't sleep. He can hardly function." She cried. "And I love him so much, but I can't do it."

"You can't carry their loads. That's why you left?"

She shook her head trying to rid her eyes of tears. "No, I can do it. I've been trying, but every time I make progress something happens and we're right back where we started."

"So you're frustrated?"

"No you're not listening! I can do all of that. I could be there for my friends and for him. But I have a brain tumor." She sobbed. "I can't put that on their shoulders on top of all that. I can't do it to them!"

He stared at her as shock and concern overwhelmed him. Slowly, he pulled her into his arms and allowed her to sob onto his shoulder. There were questions that had to be answered. But he let her cry for now as his own head raced with thoughts. Fate is definitely a bitch to people who didn't deserve it.


	11. Trouble

**Seattle, Washington…**

"What do you mean she's gone!" Richard yelled. He and Ellis had just gotten back from Florida that morning, and Alex had told them, Izzie, George, Christina, and Dr. Hahn about the message. Alex stared down at the floor twisting his fingers around one another.

"What did she say exactly, Alex?" Izzie asked studying his face carefully.

He squeezed his eyes shut tightly before looking at them as he took out his phone. He dialed his voicemail, put on the speakerphone, and set it on the desk.

"_One save message. Today, twelve sixteen."_ The recording.

"_Hey, Babe…"_ Meredith's quivering voice came. Then there was a pause as she took a deep, shaky breath. _"God…I'm not ready to do this. I love you so much, please remember that. As you probably know, I'm not coming into work today, and when you come home, I won't be here. There's something I have to take care of. Hopefully… I'll be back in a few months. Why and where doesn't matter right now. Just, know I love you more than anything."_

"She wouldn't run off like that." Christina snapped.

"Why? Why would she!?" George yelled. His temper was well past the limbo by now. His outburst was shot but enough to make Izzie cringe. He stormed to the other side of the room and stared out of the window.

"Why wouldn't she?" Alex mumbled, nobody else heard.

"Where would she go?" Izzie asked.

"Mark!" Ellis said as her head whirled around to look at her husband.

"Mark? What does he have to do with anything?"

Rolling her eyes, she flipped her phone open and dialed her son's phone number and walked out into the hall.

"Hello?" He answered sounding drained.

"Where's Meredith?" She asked abruptly.

"You realize I just got off a twelve hour shift." He lied. In fact he hadn't gone to work that day and hadn't left Meredith's side the whole time.

"Where is Meredith?" She repeated stressing each word.

There was a long pause then a sigh. "She's here."

"Why, Mark? What's going on?" Her voice all the sudden got worried and stressed.

"I can't tell you. And she doesn't want anyone to know she's here."

"Don't you dare say you can't tell me. Let me talk to her."

"She's sleeping, Mom. I'll tell her you called. Just don't tell anyone except Dad that she's in New York."

"Something's wrong, Mark, and I won't accept that answer."

"You'll have to, Mother. I just can't tell you."

"What's wrong? Is something wrong with my daughter?"

He sighed. "I'll take care of her. Right now, just give her some space."

"Mark!"

"Goodbye, Mom."

"Mark! Don't do this! Don't hang up on me!" She heard a click, and the line went dead. Slightly, she snapped the phone shut and stared at it.

--

**New York City, New York…**

"Just so you know, I'm in trouble with mom." He told her as he appeared in the doorway.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you in the middle or anything." She stammered.

"Mer, I was just kidding." He gave her a small grin as he walked further into the room. She scooted over so he could sit down on the bed beside her. "So what do we do now?" He asked. She sighed and shrugged a little. He just nodded and took her hand giving it a supportive squeeze. Her jaw quivered a little as she laid her head on his shoulder. A few tears rolled off her cheeks which she quickly wiped away.

"I'm not ready, Mark. I'm not ready to turn my back on them. I don't want to betray them."

He kissed his forehead and shook his head lightly. "You aren't betraying them if you can't help what's happening. It's just life."

She tried to give him a convincing nod but couldn't muster it up. "When did you become so deep?" She whispered hoping to lighten her own mood. He gave her a light chuckle.

--

**Seattle, Washington…**

"What do you mean you can't tell us where she is!?" Christina yelled completely ignoring the fact that she was her superior.

"I don't know what's going on, but for right now, we just have to let it be." Ellis said showing more uncertainty than she hoped to. Her eyes fell on Alex, who had been silent the whole time. She put her hand on his shoulder causing him to look up. His eyes were tear-filled, so lost, confused, and worried. She offered him a sad smile, but he looked away. Within a second, he was on his feet and out the door. Ellis shuttered at the loud slam and looked solemnly down at his tennis shoes. She didn't know what was happening to Meredith, but she did know that her daughter loved Alex. So whatever it was, it was serious.

Her eyes moved around the room. Richard was behind the desk rubbing his temples. Izzie was worriedly crying. George was rigidly breathing as random bursts of anger rushed over him. And Christina was just staring off into space with a hazy glaze. She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. What had her children gotten themselves into this time?


	12. Three Weeks

**New York, New York…**

Three weeks had passed since she left Seattle. She hadn't spoken to anyone from her past. Her mother or father called everyday trying to pry information out of Mark, but he wouldn't budge. He knew she wouldn't want him to, and right now, she was what mattered. Over that past weeks, her condition worsened. Her vision blurred often. Her headaches came frequently and with such severity that she sat in the dark closet all day wearing ear plugs. It was hard for him to watch, but Mark did everything in his power to make her comfortable as they waited for her upcoming surgery date to arrive. But there was only so much he could do. But today… today was Meredith's surgery date.

Silence hung in the air as they drove through the city. He glanced over at his sister every few minutes. She flinched every time a car alarm went off or a horn blared.

"Are you ready for this?" She glanced over at him for a second before looking back out the window. He let out a sigh and stopped the car at a stop light. "You're going to be fine."

"I know." She mumbled.

"What's wrong, Mer-Bear?"

She couldn't help but smile in spite of herself at her childhood nickname that her brother and stepfather used to tease her with. But her smile quickly fell and her eyes returned to the thick masses of people move by them on the sidewalk. He patiently waited for her answer as he began to drive again. "It never rains." She said after a few minutes passed.

"What?"

"It never rains here in New York."

"Isn't that a good thing?" He said with a smirk. She let out a sigh and let her eyes fall shut. Another headache was building behind her eyes, and the sunlight wasn't doing anything to help it.

"In the three weeks I've been here, there hasn't been a drop of rain."

"Mer, you aren't making any sense. What does rain have to do with anything?"

"Never mind." She finally grumbled.

The loud shrill of his phone going off cut through the air. She whimpered in pain as he fumbled to get it off his belt. He flipped it open, gave his sister a worried glance, and brought the phone to his ear. "Hello?"

"Mark…" His stepfather's voice started off as it always did on their daily calls.

"Listen, Dad, I can't talk." He said with a trace of annoyance laced in his voice. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched his sister as she tried to recover from the sound.

"Why not?"

"I'm… Ah, with a patient." He lied. "And I'm not going to tell you where she is. I got to go, Dad. Love you and Mom. Bye." He hung up quickly before his stepfather could even get a word in. "Sorry, Mer, I forgot it was on." She gave a small nod as she cautiously dropped her hands from her ears. "We should tell them."

"No good can come from tell them about this now." She mumbled as she laid her head on the window.

"They have been calling everyday. And…"

"I know. I just… I don't want anyone know. After this is all over and done with, I'll go home like nothing happened."

He gave her an unbelieving look and turned into the hospital.

--

**Seattle, Washington…**

He walked into the hospital shaking the rain off his coat. He tried to ignore the squeaking sound of his sneakers against the polished tiled floor that seemed to get on his nerves more than ever as he walked towards the elevators. He quickened his pace to try to make it there before the doors shut causing his sneakers to slide some and almost send him to the ground. He managed to keep his balance and step onto the elevator. In silence, he stood beside Richard Webber who looked perplexed and mad and didn't bother to engage in any type of conversation. The doors opened to the surgical floor that you could even call a professional environment anymore.

Wordlessly, he parted ways with his boss and walked towards the resident locker room. His friends' tired, sad eyes met his own as he made his way to his locker. They said nothing to each other instead just nodded as some sort of greeting and continued about their morning routine. After they were finished they muttered a 'goodbye' before leaving to find work. He was the last to walk out of the locker room and headed towards the main nurses' station. Ellis stood in the interior of the nurses' station. She sighed and picked up the phone. Quickly dialing the number, she rested the phone on her shoulder. Alex walked up and waited for her to hang up.

"Mark?" She said abruptly. She waited a few moments as he spoke. "Just... I know he called you this morning." She paused again. "Mark, if you hang up, I will kill you myself! What the hell is going on that is such a damn secret?" Sighing, she pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration. "Fine, Mark! Fine!" Slamming the phone down, she mumbled something to herself before looking up at him. "I'm sorry, Dr. Kerev. Is there something I can do for you?"

"I have the results on for 5293." He handed her the folder. "He's okay for the surgery."

"Thank you."

"Um, Dr. Webber?"

"Yes?"

"Is there any news on Mer?"

"I'm sorry, Dr. K… Alex." She looked at him sympathetically. He nodded sadly, before turning and walking away.


End file.
